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There and back again...

Oct 3, 2008
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I was in London last week.

Jesus. It was fantastic. The psychodrama of boyfriend and non-boyfriend couldn't touch me there. Yeah, I missed non-boy, but not in a painful way. Boyfriend came with me. He liked it. I don't think he quite got what London means to me though. I spent 6 months there in 2003. It's my island. Another large city where I could lose myself. I could live there forever. I kept dragging him around to places I loved that I wanted to see again. I am in love-- deeply in love-- with that city, and it was wonderful seeing it again. It was like seeing an old friend. It was like being wrapped up in a blanket from childhood that you thought was gone forever. The smell, the feel, the people, the BBC, the Tube... God.

That's where I'll be-- when I'm sick to death of everyone around me and I want to escape. If I ever just pick up and go out of frustration, I'll be in London. It's a big city. No one will find me. And yet.. I'll be home. A secret home, that I know very well, and no one else does.

There has been drama. And non-boy, for all the heartwarming things he does, can be a very angry man sometimes. That's his persona, in public-- the large scary man. London required no work. It was a pure love. It was uncomplicated and honest. London was just happy to see me. I found myself changing, ever so slightly, into a self that I rather liked, while I was there. London was... unconditional.

"Hi Grandma"

Sep 17, 2008
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It's the little things.

Hearing someone have a phone conversation with their grandmother reminds me of how I will never have mine back.

She died of cancer my freshman year of college.

But that woman kicked ass.

She regularly went off-road driving in her station wagon. She encouraged my brother and I to pay no attention to the cops, because she never did. She cheated at cards. She drank gin. She loved nature, hiking, swimming, and travel. She threw parties where she pretended to be a gypsy fortune teller.

She didn't give a damn about what other people thought. And she loved to make you laugh.

I guess..

well.

The person who was talking to their grandmother over the phone didn't love their grandmother the way I loved mine. I would give anything to see mine again. He doesn't appreciate the one he's got. Not fair, I guess.

is it good or bad for me?

Sep 12, 2008
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Reality is so very dissapointing.

A month?

Sep 10, 2008
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Ouch. Ow.

This Friday doesn't work for him. Family. As it turns out... next weekend is the same. And the weekend after that, I am in England.

I... hurt.

I want to scream. I want to swim to the bottom of a lake and cry and cry and cry and cry where no one can see me and no one can judge. Just someplace... safe, you know? Someplace... where I can feel entitled to this sadness, without anyone asking why, without having to lie about why I am upset.

It makes no sense, looking from the outside, you see.

But, to the world, I will smile. I will be giving and kind and strong. I will laugh and I will listen to others, and help them. I will be strong. I know it. They won't see me upset.

Hell is...

Sep 9, 2008
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...wondering why he didn't email me at all today.

...knowing we cannot see each other this week.

...knowing that we will, eventually. But emotionally, the distance between now and then hurts. And I can't talk myself out of not hurting. Even when, rationally, there's no reason for it. None at all.

I won't admit this to anyone, you know? No one will know I feel this way-- no one at work, not my friends, no one. Writing it down gets it out of me. If I don't write it, it will just replay in my head like a broken record, getting louder each time.

So don't tell anyone I wrote this. I don't want them to know. And I won't show it on my face or in my actions. I don't want the drama.

It just hurts a little. A bit. Some.

I...

I shouldn't have written this. But if I don't post it, it's like I never wrote it. And that's no good either. And the inside of my head has enough dangerous material already.

Why didn't he write to me today?

Not a QotD

Sep 8, 2008
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So... the question of the day is something like: If you could ask the person you like three questions, what would they be?

Boring. If you like them, just ask.

But it got me thinking, if I could warn one person in history about the future, who would I pick?

Caesar. Don't go to the senate on March 15th, 44 B.C. Just don't do it. Or if you do, bring your army. Just sayin'. The Senate might be planning to kill you en masse.

Abraham Lincoln, on April 15, 1865. Look. I'll act out the play for you right here. Whatever you want. You REALLY don't need to go to the theater tonight. Tell them you have a cold.

Martin Luther King Jr. April 4th 1968. Don't go into that hotel, dude. JUST DON'T GO.

JFK. November 22, 1963. Get back on the damn plane, sir. (I think, of all of these, I'd have the hardest time with Kennedy. He strikes me as someone who likes a crowd, and wouldn't miss a chance to give a speech. I'd either have to... a) start firing into a crowd, and convince the secret service that Dallas wasn't safe or b) go to the top of that book depository, and hit oswald with a shovel).

I probably would not tell them about the future. I just want to see what the world would look like if they hadn't died.

can't say it yet

Sep 3, 2008
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Non-boy's been very good to me this week. Very good.

Except we haven't spent much time alone together. In person.

I have trouble saying to him the things that are in my heart. I want some sort of hemmingway-esque way of saying "thank you for this week." I want to show him exactly how he touched my heart, in one simple phrase, or one gesture. Just one thing which will give him the sum of all of it.

But only if he can take it.

In a different time...

Aug 29, 2008
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(for the record, I am covered in bruises and exhausted... one more day of moving things... just one more)

Why is my X in D.C. trying to be friends again? Why?

It's probably my fault. I did something dumb on Monday. I talked to him on Facebook because absolutely no one else was around. There was no one to talk to but him. So now he assumes we're friends.

*groan*

No.

different, i guess

Aug 27, 2008
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I asked for help with the moving from one apartment to another.

Non-boy offered. Everyone else bailed... boyfriend's father and brother are going to help.

Special note on non-boy: he has a broken ankle. Broken. Ankle. And he STILL offered to help.

Now. I may have mentioned that my boyfriend has a crush on this girl, A---. A--- doesn't have a job. She is reliant on her family for money. She has her own car. She has nothing but free time. She doesn't even look for a job anymore. This moving project is happening over the course of the next 4 days. I know she's read my email asking for help. She posted to her livejournal tonight, so I know she's been near her computer. Hell, she probably learned from non-boy that he is offering to help. She has not gotten back to me.

fuck. you. A.

Do you know what kind of man my boyfriend is? The best kind. He's the kind of guy who doesn't wait for you to ask before offering to help. He arranged for his father and brother to help me move when he cannot, and he calls me every morning just to talk and cheer me up when I'm sad. He spends his free time coming up with ways to make the people he loves happy. How many times has he cooked dinner for you, A? How many times has he bought your coffee? Do you remember that time when you had cramps and we dissuade him from carrying you to our car to take you home?

Fuck. You. A.

You do not deserve him. You are jerking him around and you have no idea the value of the person you're dealing with. If it was you moving, he would be there in a heartbeat. You wouldn't have to ask. FUCK YOU A.

I can't say this. Boyfriend likes her. If I say "I don't think she's any good for you" it'll sound like jealousy (is it? I can't tell), and that's not my point. She is not worthy of you.

There are other things she's done/said which make me think she's just jerking him around. I really don't think she knows what she wants from him. What a cunt. I can't believe she's not going to help.

And non-boy has a broken ankle. He wants to help. Jesus.